SELF-AWARENESS [cite: 1]
The only thing you can control [cite: 1]
Before any framework, check the person in the mirror. The only person you truly control is YOU. [cite: 1]
WHAT YOU FEEL [cite: 1]
- Frustrated, angry, defensive [cite: 1]
- Anxious, overwhelmed [cite: 1]
- Hurt, disappointed [cite: 1]
WHAT YOU ASSUME [cite: 1]
- About them, the situation, yourself [cite: 1]
- "They won't listen" or "This will go badly" [cite: 1]
HOW YOU SHOW UP [cite: 1]
- With walls up or open and curious [cite: 1]
- Listening or planning your response [cite: 1]
- Confident or defensive [cite: 1]
RED/GREEN [cite: 1]
- 🔴 When the VYIH drives: React, defend, blame [cite: 1]
- 🟢 When you lead: Pause, name it, engage with intention [cite: 1]
BREAK OUT THE MAP [cite: 1]
Get grounded before you go [cite: 1]
Use this universal template before ANY prepared conversation. It's your compass for any difficult discussion. Get grounded in your objective, aware of obstacles, and clear on how you'll start. [cite: 1]
WHERE ARE YOU NOW [cite: 1]
- Current state of the relationship or situation [cite: 1]
WHAT IS YOUR OBJECTIVE [cite: 1]
- The summit: What do you want [cite: 1]
- How you define success in this conversation [cite: 1]
WHAT TERRAIN ARE YOU FACING [cite: 1]
- Your assumptions that the VYIH is telling [cite: 1]
- Your emotions and what you're carrying [cite: 1]
- False paths that might derail you [cite: 1]
WHICH PATH WILL YOU TAKE [cite: 1]
- Your opening question or statement [cite: 1]
- Topics you must discuss [cite: 1]
- How you'll stay curious, not defensive [cite: 1]
NEXT STEP [cite: 1]
- Now it's time to Chart Your Route for this specific conversation [cite: 1]
CHART YOUR ROUTE [cite: 1]
Your Specific Plan [cite: 1]
Take the template from Breaking Out the Map and apply it to THIS specific conversation. Map your path like you're going on a hike: Know where you're starting, where you want to go, and how you'll get there. [cite: 1]
OBJECTIVE [cite: 1]
- What do you want to accomplish [cite: 1]
WHAT ARE YOU PACKING [cite: 1]
- Your assumptions or worries [cite: 1]
- What false narratives is the VYIH building [cite: 1]
WAYPOINTS [cite: 1]
- What topics MUST you discuss [cite: 1]
- Write them down to keep you on track [cite: 1]
HOW TO OPEN [cite: 1]
- What great open-ended questions to begin with [cite: 1]
- Ground yourself in curiosity [cite: 1]
USE THIS [cite: 1]
- When you CAN prepare for a conversation [cite: 1]
DO IT [cite: 1]
Execution & Empathy [cite: 1]
Execution is showing up with intention and curiosity. You've prepared, so follow through. Don't leave culture on the table. [cite: 1]
STEP 1: LET THEM KNOW [cite: 1]
- No surprises. No gotchas. [cite: 1]
- Give them time to prepare too. [cite: 1]
STEP 2: OPEN WITH DESTINATION [cite: 1]
- State your intended outcome [cite: 1]
- How you define success [cite: 1]
- Clearly identify a detailed definition of success [cite: 1]
- What do you want to walk away from this conversation with [cite: 1]
STEP 3: GET CURIOUS [cite: 1]
- Ask open-ended questions [cite: 1]
- Identify the open-ended questions you plan to begin with [cite: 1]
- Ask WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, HOW [cite: 1]
- Never ask WHY (makes people defensive) [cite: 1]
- Channel your GOOD COP [cite: 1]
STEP 4: LISTEN WITHOUT INTERRUPTION [cite: 1]
- Hear their full narrative [cite: 1]
- Hunt for the Subplot [cite: 1]
STEP 5: NAME THE GAP & CO-CREATE [cite: 1]
- The gap equals the difference between objective information and data and perception of the... [Editor Note: Fix cut off text here] [cite: 1]
- Build the plan TOGETHER [cite: 1]
WHEN BLINDSIDED [cite: 1]
Regulate ➔ Listen ➔ Lead [cite: 1]
Sometimes people arrive already upset and angry, and they don't give you time to prepare. You have to deal with it in the moment. Your instinct is to defend. Instead: pause, get curious, listen, and lead. [cite: 1]
PAUSE: REGULATE YOURSELF [cite: 1]
- Don't let the VYIH drive [cite: 1]
- Take a breath [cite: 1]
- You have a choice [cite: 1]
- Calm breeds calm [cite: 1]
LISTEN: HUNT FOR THE SUBPLOT [cite: 1]
- What are they REALLY feeling [cite: 1]
- Listen for emotion, not just facts [cite: 1]
- Ask questions instead of defending [cite: 1]
LEAD: GUIDE TOWARD RESOLUTION [cite: 1]
- Let's work through this together [cite: 1]
- How can I support you [cite: 1]
- Co-create the plan [cite: 1]
- Show them they've been heard [cite: 1]
HEART ↔ HEAD ↔ HEART [cite: 1]
The Conversation Flow [cite: 1]
The best conversations shift deliberately between HEART (emotion/empathy) and HEAD (logic). Heart opens. Head builds. Heart closes. [cite: 1]
HEART LANGUAGE [cite: 1]
- Usually starts with: "I feel..." [cite: 1]
- Overwhelmed, excited, anxious, energized [cite: 1]
- Heavy, happy, sad, frustrated, unheard, valued [cite: 1]
HEAD LANGUAGE [cite: 1]
- Begins with "I think..." "I plan..." "I need..." [cite: 1]
- Think, plan, own, build, estimate, need [cite: 1]
THE HEART TO HEAD TO HEART FLOW [cite: 1]
- How are you feeling about... (heart) [cite: 1]
- What do you think is contributing to that (head) [cite: 1]
- What would success look like (head - building logic) [cite: 1]
- What support do you need to get accomplished (head - the plan) [cite: 1]
- What is your first step or action item that you will take immediately after this conversation [cite: 1]
- How does it feel to have a plan and actionable steps (heart - closing the loop) [cite: 1]
RHYTHM [cite: 1]
- Emotion ➔ Logic ➔ Emotion [cite: 1]
FIND THE SUBPLOT [cite: 1]
Listen to what is NOT being said [cite: 1]
The issue they complain about is rarely the ENTIRE story. The subplot is the emotional truth underneath the surface complaint. [cite: 1]
LISTEN FOR [cite: 1]
- Emotion words they use [cite: 1]
- What they're NOT saying directly [cite: 1]
- What matters beyond the words [cite: 1]
ASK YOURSELF [cite: 1]
- Are they in heart (feelings) or head (logic) [cite: 1]
- Driven by results, people, or data [cite: 1]
- What's the REAL concern here [cite: 1]
EXAMPLE [cite: 1]
- Surface: "Three update changes" [cite: 1]
- Subplot: "Do you value me" [cite: 1]
- Real: "I need to feel respected and heard" [cite: 1]
THEN [cite: 1]
- Address the subplot FIRST [cite: 1]
RED vs. GREEN [cite: 1]
Signs you are on or off track [cite: 1]
As a conversation unfolds, notice patterns. Red flags mean you're leaning into defensiveness. Green flags mean you're staying open, curious, and collaborative. [cite: 1]
RED FLAGS: OFF TRACK [cite: 1]
- Defending instead of listening [cite: 1]
- Stuck in logic or explanation mode [cite: 1]
- Letting assumptions drive response [cite: 1]
- Taking it personally [cite: 1]
- Presenting THE plan (not asking) [cite: 1]
GREEN FLAGS: ON TRACK [cite: 1]
- Starting with empathy and curiosity [cite: 1]
- Asking instead of telling [cite: 1]
- Listening more than talking [cite: 1]
- Meeting them where they are [cite: 1]
- Shifting gears to meet their needs [cite: 1]
- Staying calm and open [cite: 1]
QUICK CHECK [cite: 1]
- Do they feel heard [cite: 1]
- Do they clearly understand what is expected of them and do they understand what to expect... [Editor Note: Fix cut off text here] [cite: 1]
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